english jokes

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A woman was hitchhiking alone when one rainy night she was looking for shelter and was given shelter by a group of nuns. She was led into a simply furnished but comfortable room and given a nice warm meal. During the night she heard a beautiful sound unlike any other that she had ever heard. She could not go out of her room and investigate but stayed up all night to hear the sound that rang out from time to time. She was bursting with curiosity to know what it was. She questions the nuns and they tell her that they cannot share the source of the sound with her as she was not a nun. The woman left but could not forget the sound. She came back a few months later just to see if she could find out more about the beautiful sound. The nuns were as hospitable as they were the last time but were very firm that they could not divulge the source of the sound as she was not a nun. The lady said that she was willing to become a nun and asked how she was to go about it. She went through much penance and training and many years later finally became a nun. The nuns were very pleased and finally agreed to show her the source of the sound that had fascinated her so much. They took her deep into the building and opened a secret door. She stepped into the room but I cannot tell you what she saw and heard because…… you are not a nun!
#nun #muchadoaboutnothing
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A middle-aged lady had a car crash. She was unconscious and was rushed to the hospital. When she was being treated in the emergency room she saw a bright light and was suddenly faced with God. She felt a great calm and had a long meaningful conversation with God. After a while, he told her that it was not her time to die yet and that she would return to her life on earth. The lady asked God how long she had. He replied that she had 10 more years. The lady survived and was discharged from the hospital with a new sense of appreciation for her second chance at life. She decided to turn her life around and make the most of her 10 years. She began to eat healthily, exercise every day and even had a total makeover to make herself look better. 6 months passed and she suddenly died and was taken to heaven. She was furious at God and asked him whey he had let her die when he had promised her 10 more years. God asked for her identification details again and then apologized profusely. He had made a mistake because he hadn't recognized her.
#MistakenIdentity #Makeover #Heaven
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A man was accosted by a hungry looking beggar asking for a handout. He offered him $10. Suddenly he had a doubt about whether the beggar would use the money for food or for other vices. He asked him to refrain from using it to buy himself alcohol instead of food. The beggar replied that he had stopped drinking years ago. He then told him not to waste it on cigarettes or gambling. The man replied that he had stopped gambling and smoking years ago. The man gave the beggar $10 and then offered him another $5 to wait for while till the man’s wife arrived. The beggar was curious and asked the man why. The man replied that he wanted to show his wife what happened to men to gave up drinking, gambling, and smoking. 
#BadHabits #QuitSmoking #Beggar
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A woman was shopping for a chicken to make the perfect Sunday roast and couldn't find one that was the exact size she was looking for. They were all too small. Thoroughly frustrated she asked the shopping assistant, “Do these chickens get any bigger?”. The shopping assistant looked shocked and replied, “Ma’am they are dead.”.
#DeadChicken #Chicken
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A lady was in a hurry to get to the airport. Her cabbie was driving slowly and she decided to tell him to hurry a bit. She tapped him on the shoulder and he screamed and nearly ran into a tree. They were both thoroughly shaken. She apologized to him most profusely for having startled him. The cabbie apologized to her in return saying that he was to blame. His last job was driving a funeral van and this was his first day on the job driving a taxi.
#Cab #Taxi
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Two teenage boys walk into a sweet shop and one of them quickly takes 3 sweets without the owner's notice and puts them in his pocket. The owner does not notice and the boy boasts to his friend about how smart he was. The second boy thinks and then walks up to the owner and challenges him. He tells him that he is going to do a magic trick and that if his trick is successful he is to be given a dozen sweets free of cost. Otherwise, he will pay for the sweets he uses. He asks for a sweet and when the owner hands it to him he eats it up. He then asks for another and eats that too. He asks for a third one and gobbles it up. The owner gets very puzzled and asks him what was so tricky about eating sweets. The boy replied that he had made three sweets disappear but to check his friend’s pockets to see if his trick was successful. Needless to say, the owner gave him a dozen more sweets on the house.
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An executive went on a vacation. He returned to his hometown looking very handsome and with an ostrich in tow. He quit his job and spent his days lazing about and walked to the pub in town for his meals with the ostrich right behind him. He seemed very content and every time he ordered food and drink the ostrich ordered exactly the same thing. When it was time to pay he would put his hand in his pocket and pay the exact change for the bill. After a few weeks of observing the odd couple, the waitress asked the man how he had the exact change for his bill. The man replied that when he went on vacation he had stumbled upon a magic lamp. He had rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared and asked him to make three wishes. He wished for good looks. It was granted. He then wished to always have enough for his need in his pocket. The wish was granted and since then whenever he put his hand in his pocket there was the exact amount he needed, no matter how big or small. The waitress was impressed. She asked why he had returned with an ostrich. Sheepishly he replied that he had wished for a tall chick with long legs who would agree with whatever he said.

#Ostrich #Genie
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